


Step into the Sun

by quinship



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Monologue, Other, Outing, Post-High School, Self-Hatred, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:01:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28974786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinship/pseuds/quinship
Summary: "I never let them see the worst of me. 'Cause what if everyone saw?/What if everyone knew?/Would they like what they saw?/Or would they hate it too?/Will I just keep on running away from what's true?" - "Words Fail" from Dear Evan HansenSara confronts her mother to explain why she lied about being gay.
Kudos: 1





	Step into the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> I came out of the closet my freshman year of high school. This is the perspective I write from-- how coming out can be painful especially when you're a young teenager (even if it is your choice). This was a very stream of conscious work. My intention is not to discourage people from coming out, but to explore the pain and isolation of being out. I did have a support network online, but not much of one in real life. My family was supportive, but they just... didn't understand. I got teased for being "too gay" by my family members. 
> 
> To be vulnerable with all of you, I'm 20, and I've never had a girlfriend. I barely had friends irl in high school (not to discount how important my online friends were... former and current, you were a lifeline for me). My label has changed from lesbian to bisexual in the six years that I have been open about my queerness. I've had moments where I regretted coming out so young because it didn't feel... worth it. In reality, it shaped who I am. It made me the woman I am today. I wouldn't be the same person if I had chosen to remain in the closet for longer than I did. Anyway I'm gonna go listen to the good songs from Frozen 2 again.

Sara took a deep breath and set her jaw before she strode in front of her mother. She was getting out, she was moving in with Zoe, it would all be ok… but god she couldn’t be silent. “Mum, I have something to say.” Her voice trembled, and she stiffened her shoulders, ensuring her body would not betray the shaking her voice already had.

“What is it?” It was hard to determine if her mother was hurt or disgusted or both. Or if Sara just hated herself so much that she projected her feelings about herself onto her mother.

“I lied. I’ll admit it.” Sara swallowed. “I had to though.”

“You didn’t have to lie to  _ me. _ ” Sonia interjected.

“No, Mum, I  _ did. _ ” Sara clenched her jaw as she inhaled. “Because if I told you, where would it stop? I didn’t even tell Tegan.”

“Hiding things from your family—” As much as Sara loved her mother and feared her anger, she couldn’t contain herself.

“NO! Don’t fucking lecture me, you don’t understand and you  _ never _ will.” Sara inhaled, knowing she was going to cry. “Do you know how hard it is to be gay?”

Sonia opened her mouth, and Sara knew she couldn’t bear to hear what her mother would say.

“No, you don’t! Don’t you ever tell me that you know or understand. Because you  _ don’t. _ ” Sara gave up appearing stiff and gave up her resolve. “Coming out is  _ my  _ choice. And I had my reasons why I didn’t tell Tegan or you or Dad or anyone else. I hate being called gay or a lesbian. It’s being told I’m  _ different _ in a way that I can’t change. Tegan and I have been weird for so long, it’s not fair that my feelings, my desires are labeled and put into a box with specific labels that tell me I’m  _ abnormal. _ If it got out at school,” Sara’s voice broke. “I’d have nobody. Not even the girls I’ve loved will admit to being gay. Straight girls don’t associate with lesbians, because even being  _ rumored _ to be a lesbian makes you a social pariah, god forbid it be true. Yeah, it’s ok for gay people to exist, but when you’re a gay person, surrounded by straight people, you know that it’s really not. I don’t want to be treated differently because I’m not what society thinks is normal. I didn’t want to give up the image that I had friends, even if they would have rejected who I really am. Because sometimes that keeps you safer than everyone knowing the truth, and you being alone. And if I’d come out, what little company I might’ve had would’ve made me miserable. They’d just remind me how different I am. At best I’d be a novelty, at worst a freak. I’d have ruined the rest of my high school years.” Sara coughed out a sob, hot tears running down her cheeks. “I’m just a girl with feelings, who wants love, but suddenly that makes me  _ abnormal _ and my love is inappropriate for kids, even though I was still a kid when I started having these feelings. I’m a fag. I’m a dyke. I’m all the terrible things anyone has ever heard or thought about gay people.

“Hiding who you are is terrifying. But it’s  _ safe.  _ Once you come out, you can’t go back into the closet. You’re never safe again. Hearing from the girls that I loved, that what we shared wasn’t real because I’m a girl, not a boy, was painful enough. Yeah, if you think about it, I was alone at every turn the second I admitted that I like other girls. But nobody needed to know that. I would rather be invisible than tarred and feathered like the village fool. Because that’s what would have happened. I put on a mask because then I wouldn’t have to deal with what I actually am, and nobody would be able to see. So yeah, I lied. I had to. I don’t even love myself, how the fuck could I actually be myself?

“And you… you took away my choice about coming out. You forced me out of the closet because what, you think I was lying? You prefer honesty over your own daughter feeling safe? That’s fucked up logic. And yeah, maybe you would have known regardless. But would it have been so fucking terrible to wait until  _ I  _ was ready to tell you? I didn’t hide this from you specifically, I hid it from everyone I could. And there was a  _ reason.  _ I wasn’t ready to tell you. I wasn’t ready to tell the world and face everything that has to do with being gay. I just wanted to be a person until I was ready to be gay.” Sara choked out a few sobs, and blind with tears, escaped the silent room, shoving Tegan aside in the hallway as she fled to her bedroom. And she wept.

**Author's Note:**

> NGL this fic was mostly brought to you by Waving Through A Window and the slight reprise in Words Fail, both from Dear Evan Hansen because they speak to the isolation I felt as a teenager, being out, and having no irl queer friends. Remember... there is a community of people like you out there, even if you don't see them, and they love you.


End file.
